Don’t call me Hugo any more. I’m English, don’t you know So you have to change my name. At school, P.E. teachers insisted on branding me “Steckel”, although I suppose I should just be grateful I escaped that awful nom de plume that is the quintessentially British “Macca”.

It’s 10:30pm, and a day both frustrating and unproductive has truckled obeisantly past. I’ve seen the interview with “La Radio” yabbering on about “Berba/The Assassin” and “Keano”. “Curbs” is frustrated — who wouldn’t be “Stevie G” and “El niño” just won’t stop scoring, and “the Pope” feels a little more secure on his Anfield throne. They once had a cocaine-snorting“God” in Liverpool, you know They say anything’s possible up north.

As you will have made out from my opening paragraph, this post is going to be about NICKNAMES, and I must extend a note of thanks to my father, who was responsible for informing me about Fitz Hall’s ingenious moniker “One size”, and to Hall himself for inspiring this article. A shout out also to former Everton player Neil “Dissa” Pointin and QPR’s on-loan Chelsea midfielder Michael “Haunted” Mancienne.

I must admit, foreign influence in the Premier League is welcome in my eyes if only because it makes us rethink our sobriquets. The standard Anglican procedure, that of affixing the ‘a’ or ‘y’ sound onto any name whatsoever, nominally the surname — “yes, I thought Stubbsy was mammoth at the back today” — is problematized somewhat by these delicious foreign syllables. Oh, the torments of David Moyes and Alan Curbishley, who are two of the worst culprits. For every “Sheva” and “Berba” that we manage to conjure up (the Bulgarian is also known as “The Assassin”), there is an “Ole Gunnar Solskjaer”, the “Baby-faced Assassin” whose surnames resist all butchering. Although I dread to think what would’ve happened had he ended up at Arsenal, where some awful Gunnar/Gunner foreplay would surely have emerged.

And in truth, we have a lot to learn about nicknaming, us Brits. Where is the imagination In the World Cup of nicknames, we are destined invariably to be knocked out on penalties. “Wazza” against “The Beast” “Becks” versus “The Little Witch” (“Little Witch” i.e. “La Brujita” in Spanish is the name given to Juan Sebastián Verón — whom us Englanders branded simply “Seba”: it is the diminutive form of “La Bruja”, Verón’s father’s nickname back at Estudiantes). For G-d’s sake, as well as playing the best football at the 2006 World Cup, Argentina had by far and away the best set of sobriquets.

Admit it, as a defender you’d cower at the sight of “La pulga atómica”, “El Apache” and either one of “Valdanito” or “El Jardinero” lining up as a united front. It makes me laugh to think of the nomenclatural crisis that would be sparked in Alan Curbishley’s brain when presented with a name like “Messi”. “But it already ends in the “y” sound.” his phrenic cavity would grumble, with furrowed brow, before spitting out the only other sound we seem to know, and “Mezza” he would be forever. Look what’s happened to Rooney. And I much preferred “Roonaldo” to “Wazza”.

And that’s why Mr Hall’s hilarious handle had me in raptures. We can do it, I thought. So I’ve decided to set up a sort of project, if you will. Next time you see a manager refer with desperation to his charge as “Giggsy”, screw up your face, defrost those neurons, and think of something better. Then swing by and let us know what you’ve thought of. And while you’re here, have a vote for your favourite nickname — I’ve provided a long, but no means complete, list below, grouped into countries and continents for ease of browsing and comparison. You could also tell us which country has the best nicknames.

Incidentally, if you’re stuck for inspiration, you could always wham your surname into the Brazilian Nickname Generator and give your alias an aromatic, exotic touch. Now that’s a baptism of fire.

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United Kingdom / Ireland

Darren Anderton = Shaggy, Sicknote

David Beckham= Becks, Spice Boy, Goldenballs

Jamie Carrager = Carra

John Charles = The Gentle Giant

Jack Charlton = The Giraffe

Ashley Cole= Cashley

Peter Crouch – Crouchy, The Giraffe, El Esparagus, Two Metre Peter, RoboCrouch, Bean Pole

William Ralph Dean = Dixie Dean

Jermaine Defoe = Danger Defoe

Gary Doherty = Ginger Pele

Nathan Ellington = Duke

Rio Ferdinand = Snoop, Jar-Jar Binks

Duncan Ferguson = Big Dunc, Slam Dunk

Paul Gascoigne = Gazza

Steven Gerrard = Stevie G/Captain Marvellous

Ron Harris = Chopper

Fitz Hall = One size fits all

Emlyn Hughes = Crazy Horse

Paul Ince = The ‘Guv’nor’

Roy/Robbie Keane = Keano

Kevin Keegan = Mighty Mouse (given to him by Hamburg fans)

Frank Lampard = Lamps, Fat Frank

Aaron Lennon = Roadrunner

Gary Lineker = Sir

Stanley Matthews = Wizard of Dribble

Paul McBride = Super Mac, Macca, Bake, Big Mac

Brian McClair — Choccy Éclair

Darren Moore = Big Dave

Gary Neville = The Neviller

Phil Parkes = Lofty

Stuart Pearce = Psycho

Bryan Robson = Captain Marvel

Neil Ruddock = Razor

Alan Shearer = Big Al

Alan Smith = Smithy, Smudger

Tommy Smith = the ‘Anfield Iron’ (As Bill Shankly once said, “Tommy Smith wasn’t born, he was quarried”)

David Unsworth = Rhino

Chris Waddle = Dribbleur fou [Crazy dribbler] (Named this by the Monaco supporters after his spell in the French league)

Theo Walcott = The Kid

Jonathan Woodgate = Woody

Ian Wright = Dr. Jekyll

Shaun Wright-Phillips = SWP

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Argentina

Sergio Agüero = El Kun

Roberto Ayala = El Ratón (the rat)

Gabriel Batistuta = Batigol

Hernán Crespo = Valdanito

Julio Cruz = El Jardinero

Fernando Gago = Pintita, Doctor Gago, Gagoterapia (Gagotherapy)

González Higuaín = Pipita

Mario Kempes = the Matador

Diego Maradona = El Pibe de Oro

Lionel Messi = La Pulga [Atómica] (Atomic Flea), Messiah

Martin Palermo = El loco (the madman)

Daniel Passarella = El Guerrero (‘The Warrior’), El Kaiser

Ariel Ortega = Burrito (the Little Donkey)

Fernando Redondo = Prince

Maxi Rodríguez = La Fiera (The Fierce One/The Shrew)

Javier Saviola – El Conejo (the Rabbit), El Pibito, Tambor

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Brazil

(this list is virtually endless, so I have just provided my favourites/the most famous ones. It is also worth noting that the vast majority of Brazilian players as they are known to us are actually playing under pseudonyms, abbreviations rather than nicknames)

Adriano = O Imperador (the Emperor), The Horse

Alex (Chelsea) = The Tank

Cafu = Cafu, Il Pendolino

Dida = The Black Panther

Edmundo = O Animal (the Animal)

Emerson = El Puma, El señor

Manoel dos Santos = Garrincha (the type of bird dos Santos hunted as a child)

Gilberto da Silva = The Invisible Wall

Julio Baptista = The Beast

Kaká = The Golden Boy

Edson Arantes do Nascimento = Pelé, O Rei (The King)

Roberto Carlos = Thunder Thighs, Dinamite

Robinho = Robishow, O Principe

Romário = Shorty

Ronaldinho = Dinho, Ronnie, The One Man Show

Ronaldo = O Fenômeno (the Phenomenon), Ronie (with one N)

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France

Jean-Alain Boumsong = Un, deux, trois … BOUMSONG!

Marcel Desailly = The Rock

Youri Djorkaeff = The Snake

Ludovic Giuly = Ludo, The Magic Imp

Yohan Gourcuff = Petit Zizou

Thierry Henry = Titi, TH14, Va Va Voom

Philippe Mexès = Philou, Le Laurent Blond

Franck Ribéry = The Magician, Scarface

Mickaël Silvestre = Mickey So-Fine, Tweety, 50p head

Lilian Thuram = The Philosopher

David Trezeguet = Trez, Trezegol

Patrick Vieira = Paddy, Tentacule, La Pieuvre (The Octopus)

Zinedine Zidane = Zizou

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Germany

Michael Ballack = Balle

Franz Beckenbauer = Der Kaiser, Kaiser Franz

Oliver Kahn = Olli, Titan, Vulkahn

Jürgen Klinsmann = The Golden Bomber

Phillip Lahm = Lahmy, Wireless Lahm, The Magic Dwarf

Jens Lehmann = Mad Jens, John

Gerd Müller = The Fat One, Bomber

Lukas Podolski = Prinz Poldi

Karl-Heinz Riedle = King of the Sky

Bernd Schuster = The Blond Angel, Don Bernardo

Sebastian Schweinsteiger = Basti, Schweini

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Holland

Dennis Bergkamp = The non-flying Dutchman, Dennis the Menace, Beavis, Bergy

Ruud Gullit = Il Tulipo Nero (The black tulip)

Arjen Robben and Mateja Kezman (Serbian) = together, Batman and Robben

Roy Makaay = the Phantom

Clarence Seedorf = Opa (Grandfather)

Marco Van Basten = The Swan of Utrecht

Ruud Van Nistelrooy = Van the Man, Ruud Boy!, The Flying Dutchman, RVN, La Locomotora, Van Gol, Van Nisterror, The Ruud Devil, Van The Crack, Trivilin, Guffy

Robin Van Persie = RVP

Boudewijn Zenden = Bolo, The Rocket

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Italy

Roberto Baggio = Roby, Divin Codino (Divine Ponytail)

Gianluigi Buffon = Gigi, Super Gigi

Mauro Camoranesi = Camo

Fabio Cannavaro = Il muro di Berlino (The Berlin wall), Il Capitano, El Bus Humano (The Human Bus), Cannavoro, Il Bello, Il Duce

Antonio Cassano = Peter Pan, Fantantonio, El Pibe de Bari, Il Gioiello di Bari Vecchia (the jewel of Old Bari), Talento di Bari Vecchia, Talentino. Cassano is also the subject of the Italian neologism “Cassanata”, a word invented by Fabio Capello to refer to behaviour against the current of team spirit.

Alessandro Del Piero = Ale, Pinturicchio

Gennaro Gattuso = Rino, Ringhio, Braveheart, Pittbull, The Snarling Dog

Alberto Gilardino = Gila

Filippo Inzaghi = Super Pippo, Inzagol, Alta Tensione

Attilio Lombardo = The Bald Eagle

Massimo Maccarone = Big Mac

Paolo Maldini = Il Capitano, San Paolo

Marco Materazzi = Matrix, Macellazzi

Vincenzo Montella = L’aeroplanino (the little airplane)

Alessandro Nesta = Sandro

Angelo Peruzzi = Ansiano, Pigskin

Gianluca Pessotto = Il Professore (the Professor), Pessottino

Fabrizio Ravanelli = Penna Bianca (white feather)

Salvatore Schillaci = Totò (given to all Italians named Salvatore)

Luca Toni = Tonigol, Bomber

Francesco Totti = Il Capitano, Er Pupone, Gladiatore, Il Bimbo d’Oro, Il Principe

Christian Vieri = Bobo, Bobone, Bobogol

Dino Zoff = Dino Nazionale, The Spider, Il Monumento

Gianfranco Zola = The Italian Maradona, Marazola, Tamburino Sardo

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Portugal

Luís Boa Morte = Good Death, Boa Constrictor

Francisco José da Costa = Costinha

Deco (itself a nickname, as in Art Deco) = Mágico

Nuno Ricardo Oliveira Ribeiro = Maniche

Ricardo Pereira = Mãozinhas (Little Hands)

Pedro Miguel Carreiro Resendes = Pauleta, L’Aigle des Açores (the Eagle from the Azores)

Tiago Cardoso Mendes = Tiago

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Spain

Emilio Butragueño = El Buitre (The Vulture)

Iker Casillas = El galáctico de Móstoles, San Iker

Andoni Goikoetxea = El Carnicero de Bilbao (‘The Butcher of Bilbao’)

Luis Enrique Martinez = Lucho

Fernando Morientes = El Moro (the Moor)

Carles Puyol = Lionheart, Tarzan, Capità, Capitán,Puyi, Corazón de León, Greñol el Puyol, Superman

González Blanco Raúl = El Niño Raúl

Sergio Ramos = El Comanche, Carapony, El Tarzán de Camas, Rambo, Lobo (Wolf)

Michel Salgado = Il Due (el dos), Míchel, la Abuela (the Grandmother), Malulo, La Cabra Loca (Mad goat)

Roberto Soldado = Gudari

Fernando Torres = El Niño, Nando

David Villa = El Guaje (similar to El Pibe)

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Europe — miscellaneous

Gheorghe Hagi = The Maradona of the Carpathians, Baciul (The Sheperd), The Black Sea Bomber

Thomas Gravesen = Shrek

Vladimir Jugovic = Mezzasquadra (Half the squad), Vinci Tutto (Conquers all)

Jan Koller = The Tall One

Oleg Luzhny = The Horse

Pavel Nedved = Duracell, Crazy Peleloid, MedvÄ›d or Meda (Czech for “bear” or “teddy=bear”), The Czech Cannon, Furia Ceca (at Lazio & Juventus)

Robert Prosinecki = The Big Yellow One (Veliki žuti)

Ferenc Puskás = The Galloping Major, Cañoncito Pum (‘The Booming Cannon’).

Hasan Salihamidzic = Little Brother, Brazzo (at Juventus)

Philippe Senderos = Swiss Tony [Adams], Big Phil

Andriy Shevchenko = Sheva, Shevagol, The Eastern Wind, Wind of Passion

Hristo Stoichkov = the Pitbull

Davor Suker = Sukerman

Hakan Sükür = the Bull of Bosphorus

Nemanja Vidic = Hench, The Serbian Ninja

Lev Yashin = The Black Spider

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Africa — miscellaneous

(see also http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport1/hi/football/africa/3354137.stm)

Stephen Appiah = Tornado

Henri Camara – Smiling Rabbit with a Rifle

Mahamadou Diarra — The Rock, The Malian Warrier, The Panther

Efan Ekoku = Efan ecuckoo bird

Michael Essien = The Bison

George Weah = King George, Opong, Mister George

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South America — miscellaneous

Faustino Asprilla = the Black Gazelle

Rafael Márquez = The Kaiser of Michoacán, Prince of Cataluña

Wilson Palacios — The Magician/Harry Potter

Walter Pandiani = El Rifle (‘The Rifle’), then renamed El Firo Blanks and The Walter Pistol at Birmingham

Iván Zamorano = Ivan the Terrible, The Helicopter, Bam Bam, The Warrior

Marcelo Salas = El Matador, El shilenoo Salas

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Rest of the world

Tim Cahill = Tiny Tim

Ali Karimi = Asian Maradona , Wizard Of Tehran

Eddie Pope = Benedict XVI

Mark Viduka = V Bomber

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See also:

http://www.midfielddynamo.com/players/players_nicknames.htmhttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_football_%28soccer%29_players_by_nicknamehttp://www.guy-sports.com/humor/sports/sports_soccer_nicknames.htmhttp://www.notasdefutbol.com/2006/02/24-apodos-de-futbol

Hugo Steckelmacher is a regular Soccerlens featured author, whose areas of expertise include the Spanish Liga and the English Premier League. Read more of his work here.

Also See: Funny Football Club Names, Funny Football Player Names