I’ve never really understood the need for foreign travel. It makes no sense to leave a perfectly good country for a significantly poorer one; although this is never a real problem for the Welsh.

When I have capitulated to convention, I have found the experience quite pleasurable. I particularly enjoyed my timeshare in an underground complex in Austria.

My all-time favourite holiday was an 18-30 jaunt to Magaluf. It’s true that attacks on women are a real problem at the resort – at least they were on my last trip.

I enjoyed that vacation so much; I changed my pin number to ‘1830’ as a reminder of the ideal age range for potential partners. I still hope to meet an 830 year old.

Travel does broaden the mind, so I hope I’ll be able to find myself on my next trip to Ireland. I’ll just look in the pub.

I should definitely do more to celebrate my Irish heritage; all I do at the moment is run out of potatoes and beat up the wife.

One country I will not be adding to my potential travel itinerary is the United States. I’d feel safer in Georgia now that the Russians have pulled out, although she does have that restraining order.

I’m certainly not anti-American — or educationally challenged people in general. I just have a fear of hillbillies with guns.

I can understand why the Yanks believe they have the right to bear arms; I’d certainly want to be tooled up if I lived beside other Americans.

The Yanks have other serious problems, namely obesity. A recent report claims that 50% of American children are overweight – no wonder Gary Glitter came back to England.

From a personal perspective, I prefer a lady with a little timber. The skinny ones are fast runners.

My main problem with the American hillbillies is their tendency to ‘keep it in the family.’ Admittedly, I once had a relationship with a second cousin. We didn’t know any better at the time – we lived in West Bromwich. Luckily, he’s moved on now.

My bitterness towards America may well be born of my early sexual encounters. I learned about ‘the birds and the bees’ from watching ‘Deliverance’. Whenever I make love, I sound like Jade Goody.

I have to give some credit to the Yanks – they did put a man on the moon. Their astronaut training scheme was faultless; they sent the entire crew to the Riverside Stadium. The Boro support will have plenty to cheer about when they ease past Stoke; I’m staking one point at 8/13.

English Premier League Fixtures (30-31 August 2008)

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Saturday 30 August 2008

Middlesbrough FC v Stoke City FC, 15:00 (Middlesbrough)

West Ham United FC v Blackburn Rovers FC, 15:00 (Draw)

Bolton Wanderers FC v West Bromwich Albion FC, 15:00 (Bolton)

Everton FC v Portsmouth FC, 15:00 (Everton)

Hull City AFC v Wigan Athletic FC, 15:00 (Draw)

Arsenal FC v Newcastle United FC, 17:30 (Arsenal)

Sunday 31 August 2008

Chelsea FC v Tottenham Hotspur FC, 13:30 (Chelsea)

Sunderland AFC v Manchester City FC, 15:00 (Sunderland)

Aston Villa FC v Liverpool FC, 16:00 (Aston Villa)

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